I was originally going to make these three separate posts, but it feels collectively conducive to keep them together.
Part one: “Falling in Love Four Months Before a Baby”
Right before my friendship to my Fiancé turned into something more, I was convinced I had the next phase of my life mapped out. I was newly single after almost a decade of being in a relationship that wasn’t right for either of us, I had freedom to re-invent myself as a former Christian and now proud Pagan, and I finally felt like I had the world at my fingertips just waiting for me to take what I knew I was destined for in my career. It was MY time. Even after our friendship turned into a real relationship after just a few weeks, that plan was still in motion in most of the ways I had planned. I was focused on my work, my dreams, and furthering my aspirations. The only difference was that instead of just having my best friend by my side as bestie, he became my partner and teammate in love as well. Everything changed that morning we found out we were pregnant.
My focus shifted immediately. About a month prior to that morning, we also found out our show (that I was full time at and he was often picking up full time schedules at) was going to close on April 5th. That meant RIGHT as we were going to lose full time income, the job that made us happier than anything, and the stability in our lives that this show brought us, we were also going to be starting the journey of pregnancy with parenthood looming closer by the day. The biggest blessing came twenty minutes before we got the news about our show when my fiancé got a call for full time work alongside his dad doing hardware construction sales. As grateful as we both were for that divinely timed offer, we knew it wasn’t going to be fulfilling for him. The view was “this is a stepping stone that is going to keep us above water and we’re grateful and also looking forward to the day we can both step back into a performative/ creative role.”
Needless to say, the circumstances we found ourselves in when we found out we were pregnant were scary. At the same time, we’re so fortunate to have had those circumstances because we recognize it could have been A LOT worse. Facing the constant change of plans in the beginning of this year was such a source of stress for both of us; we were scared, felt unprepared, and still excited during all of it, but losing everything we thought we’d have in 2025 was really difficult. It still is. I grieve those loses daily. Just two days ago, my fiancé and I went to Disneyland for a little date day one last time before little boy gets here and on the way over, I said “isn’t it crazy that we haven’t done this drive together in over six months?” Six months has gone by since we worked together. That’s insane to me and breaks my heart to remember that it’s all gone now.
All of this loss, struggle, and hardship we’ve faced this year would have never been possible to smile through if it wasn’t him. I’m confident in saying he feels the same way about it being me. Our friendship – that bond as BEST friends – is what has kept this stressful time of change light and bearable. When he comes home from that job that pays the bills, but I know he hates, we both feel the weight lift. Just hanging out together has always been such a stress relief for each of us and now, we get to hang out every night. We get movie nights every night. We get bestie sleepovers every night. We laugh CONSTATNTLY while were home together. We didn’t necessarily expect to get pregnant when we did (although, we both admit we definitely didn’t do anything to avoid it. Very much “what if we just said screw it this month and didn’t track anything???” The embodiment of “fuck around and find out.”) but when we DID, it was our friendship that made it all ok. The job loss, the change of pace in going after our goals, the financial changes, the emotional turmoil and fear. All of it was ok because it was him. Because it was me.
I NEVER expected to fall in love in ANY of the ways I did to him. I never expected to fall in love WEEKS after ending a LONG marital struggle, I never expected to fall in love with a man again, and I 100% never expected to fall in love with my best friend. THEN – to get pregnant four months into that new love??? Are you kidding? If you told me that last year, I would have laughed in your face for how ridiculous it all sounded. I was so certain about the path that lay ahead of me. Focus on my career, explore my sexuality, and enjoy solitude. Instead, life gave me the halting of work all together, the deepest love I’ve ever known with the most masculine man I’ve ever met, and the complete loss of personal space, my own time, and autonomy that comes with being a mother/ pregnancy. The me that was certain of her path this time last year would say that my current state is the realization of all of my worst fears. What I’d tell her if I could though, is that somehow in the face of all of those fears come to life, its ok. Genuinely. Everything is OK and it’s all because it’s HIM. I can’t even begin to imagine doing all of this with anyone else but him.
Part Two: “Why My Fiancé Is My Safe Place”
When I think about some of the biggest and hardest moments in my life over the last five years, (going through ED relapse/ struggles, navigating divorce, rekindling, and then divorce after all, figuring out my sexuality, bringing my dreams to life, and navigating my spirituality,) there’s three people who I confided in: My ex-husband, my mentor, and my best friend. I always felt like my ex didn’t fully understand so many parts of me although he tried and always did his best to be sympathetic, understanding and supportive. My mentor has always been there for me and being a generation older than me and married, he’s always been a source of wisdom ESPECIALLY when I was dealing with the trials and tribulations of divorce. But bestie gave me a different kind of support. It’s always come with ZERO judgment, kind advice/ his opinion, and my best interest at heart. It’s come with love even in the face of not necessarily relating personally through experience, honesty even if we don’t agree, and an offer to explore options together. He supported the HELL out of my ex and I; always encouraging us to stay connected, communicate, try new things, and be open in our love. He didn’t flinch when I told him I thought I was gay and instead taught me how to flirt with women. When I confided in him about my dream passion project, he enthusiastically asked to read it, gave me KILLER feedback, and quickly became my number one support in that endeavor. He was by my side for every single milestone of bringing it to life where others weren’t. As a Christian, he didn’t meet me with an ounce of judgment or disapproval when I told him I no longer called myself one, but instead identified more with the title of witch/ Pagan. He even held a curious and openminded interest in what I was learning. As my best friend, he has been my rock, my joy, my comfort, my stress relief, and my favorite person to be around. We never even had grounds to think of these things in a light other than platonically which was what made our friendship so great. We knew we didn’t have to worry about the other’s intentions or motives. We loved and accepted each other just as we were because that’s how platonic friendships work. This is also why falling in love was SO easy.
I’ve discussed hook up culture and my thoughts on it in other posts. It really hasn’t ever been for me. However, after the endless struggles within my marriage around sex, I just wanted to have enjoyable sex once I was single. I was so sick of feeling the way I did about sex because of what my ex and I went through. No one should ever feel bad about just wanting to have good sex. I’m so grateful my views around sex have adapted to be what they are. I used to be a “no sex for me unless we’re in a committed, monogamous relationship” kind of girl. Once my marriage ended after a decade of sexual frustration and dissatisfaction, I took more of a “as long as there’s SOMETHING there, I’m ok with casual sex. I just don’t want to bang a stranger.” Long story short, casual sex unlocked the possibility that bestie and I were even capable of feeling something more than friendship for each other. I’m so grateful for that experience because it led us to the most powerful, fulfilling, and joyful relationship either of us could ever have hoped to find in this lifetime. We would have continued on as best friends forever (which would have still been such a joyous part of my life) but because of that shift, we now have THIS life – this beautiful, chaotic, transformed, and unexpected life together. We joke all the time that everyone should try sleeping with their best friend because of how fucking awesome it all worked out for us (obviously, there’s a lot of people who shouldn’t actually do this. Every friendship is different. This is just a way we joke about how magical everything turned out for us because of what we thought would only be besties with benefits.)
When I think of safety – mind, body, and soul, I think of him. I know I’m safe to be exactly who I am with him because none of who I am has ever been hidden from him. Before we even had the conversation about sex, we knew each other fully and more importantly, accepted every ounce of each other with no conditions. He has always been safe to come to me about anything he may be going through. I’ve always felt like I have a safe place to go to him to vent, cry, yell, celebrate, or be angry with. He’s never judged me for changing or doing life differently than him (although I will say – I think parenting together will challenge that for both of us.) He’s protected my heart, my goals, my passions, and my fears fiercely throughout the years of calling each other best friend and I love him more than anything I’ve ever loved in this life. All of this can be true while also recognizing that we still have work to do as romantic partners to solidify foundational trust that will carry us through life the way we want it to.
Part Three: “Building Trust During a Storm”
My fiancé and I are VERY different. If my ex and I were different on one end of the spectrum, my fiancé and I are different on the other end. My ex was a social butterfly who could make friends anywhere. I prefer to not be around people, but can tolerate it in small doses. My fiancé DESPISES being around strangers for even the smallest amounts of time with a fiery passion. My ex wanted everyone and their mother to have the chance to be in our kid’s lives. I was more reserved about who would have access to our children. My fiancé has a list of people who he refuses to let our kids be around. Period. My ex would rarely see conflict as a chance to connect and felt it was more of an attack most of the time. I saw it as a pathway. My fiancé has always struggled with shutting down at the first sign of resistance. Needless to say, that list could go on and on. The biggest challenge my fiancé and I have faced in our time of knowing each other has been how we tackle conflict and differing views. He tends to be stubborn and stuck to his ways (that’s not a jab. He knows it and acknowledges it) and I tend to get frustrated when I don’t feel understood. I am so unbelievably proud of us for how far we’ve come since October of last year. We’ve had countless opportunities to tackle challenges with those differences and over the course of the last year, I’ve noticed SUBSTANTIAL differences in how we communicate and problem solve.
Not only are we learning to communicate effectively in a way that’s tailored for THIS relationship, but we’re also actively breaking down old toxic habits, trauma responses, and broken ways of coping at the same time. My fiancé went through a HELL of a first relationship when he was nineteen. After two years of some aggressive manipulation, encouraged substance coping, and emotional dismissal, he developed habits that he still faces to this day. I am so proud of him for actively working to break those habits, understand them, and be open minded to finding better ways to cope, tackle conflict, and communicate. He inspires me with his will power and dedication to becoming the man he wants to be for us, our son, and our family. We both have endless work to do that will never be “done” because that’s just life, but wow – it’s so awesome to see my best friend making such drastic improvements in his life.
This momentum we’ve created since day one of our romantic involvement has set the tone for the foundation of trust that has made pregnancy and all the challenges that have come with it – enjoyable. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve hated being pregnant, but the parts that have been fun, sentimental, and wonderful are thanks to him. I trust him to be a supportive partner when I need him. I trust him to take initiative on things we tackle together. I trust that he genuinely see’s my body as sexy, magical, and capable. I trust that he’s going to be a great dad and a collaborative teammate in parenting. This trust didn’t happen overnight. It started growing the first time we confided in each other about something vulnerable and we met the other with understanding, compassion, and love. Four years later, the foundations for a strong love based in mutual acceptance, open mindedness, and genuine care for the other have been set so we can continue to build a safe space for our family to grow and prosper. There’s no storm I feel we can’t weather together. There’s no challenge I feel we can’t face as a team and conquer. I know parenting is going to be a HELL of a journey that will last the rest of our lives, but wow… getting to do it alongside HIM? Absolutely the biggest honor and coolest thing I get to say is a part of my life.
