Becoming a mother one day was something I always remember wanting when I was a child. Playing with dolls was my favorite way to make believe. Through high school and even college, I carried that goal of having children at some point in my life. It was something I looked for as a mutual desire in the people I dated and I would even go as far to say that it was a non-negotiable in serious relationships.
By 2016, I had graduated school, booked my first couple of performing jobs in Orange County, and was pursuing my dreams of being an actor. I met someone at work who checked all the boxes that – at that point in my life – I believed were what I needed. I was raised Christian – Baptist for majority of my younger life, joining a Pentecostal church through college, and ending my time as a Christian in a non-denominational congregation. This meant majority of my morals, beliefs, and ethics came from the structured systems I had known my entire life. I was very fortunate to always have loving parents and family members, but generational teachings kept me bound by the rules and guidelines that the church had set for decades before I could explore or even conceptualize that it was possible for me to have my own desires. My new romantic interest was Christian, a youth group leader at his church, kind, spoke respectfully and so highly of his mother, wanted to be married, and planned to have a family one day. In my 23-year-old Christian eyes, he was everything I could ever want (even though there were apprehensions I brushed off in lieu of fearing I’d be passing up on “THE ONE.”)
We got engaged in early January of 2020 which meant that by December of that year, COVID-19 had turned the world into a completely different, weird, and scary place. Our plans for a wedding changed by the week and had pretty much disintegrated compared to what we thought we’d have in the beginning of the year. We decided to elope on December 16th of 2020. In Spring of 2021, he went back to work and I landed my absolute dream job as a full-time union stunt performer for a new show at Disneyland. Navigating that first year of marriage with both of us working full time was, to this day, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I started having a TON of fears around family building that summer. Questions that ran through my head DAILY were those like “if I have kids anytime soon, will I have to give up this dream job I’ve worked SO hard for? What If I have to give it up permanently? What if I lose my athletic body and can’t work anymore? What if kids change me so much that I’m never able to work again? What if I have to work a job I hate just to make ends meet? What if I slip back into depression? What if I become suicidal again? What if something actually drives me to try it? I’ll leave my kids motherless… What kind of mother would I even be if I could consider that? Is it even worth it?” Needless to say, these fears, in addition to marriage opening my eyes to some major misalignments my husband and I had regarding maturity, parenthood, and the future, made me feel like becoming a parent anytime soon was not the right move.
In September, I brought these fears up to my husband while sitting at our favorite sushi spot one night. What I never in a million years expected was for my vocalization of those fears to be met with his response: “If you don’t want kids, I want a divorce.” From that moment on, I struggled endlessly with feeling that I would never be enough for him; that his love and commitment to me was conditional on me giving him children. There are COUNTLESS nuances that lead to these fears within our marriage, but I only hope to share the transparent and relative realities of how I got to where I am today.
On the night of our one year wedding anniversary, we decided we were going to get a divorce. Throughout my entire young adult life, I always believed once I got married, divorce would NEVER be an option. I thought “no matter what – our vows take precedence and we will have to figure out whatever comes up. No calling it quits. Period.” To know I was now contributing to the statistic I feared the absolute most (almost 50% of all marriages end in divorce) broke me. I felt like everything I had believed, worked towards, and sacrificed was for nothing. I had failed my parents. I had failed God. I had failed myself.
In January of 2022, I began dismantling the layers of religion that had kept me from finding my true self. I had always felt an innocent curiosity in occult practices. It started as an interest in crystals because of that first Bible passage about God creating the earth. I felt – if God made the earth and crystals come from the earth, then God is IN these crystals which made sense to me as to why people claimed they had unique powers and abilities. THAT to me was God’s power in a form we as humans could utilize in the tangible world.
^ My very first Crystal: Apophyllite Cluster
Unfortunately, it only took a few months of being alone for me to spiral in panic and fear. I did something that NO person should ever do out of respect for their own growth, honor and dignity: I begged my ex to take me back. After a lot of back and forth, he finally agreed that we could try again only after I confessed that in our time apart, I realized I DID want children (because I DID, but it took being away from HIM to make that discovery.) Over the next two years, I would see countless red flags that had me revisiting that familiar fear of having kids, but I was so scared to lose what I had worked so hard for that I stayed. I’d vocalize my fears and offer possible suggestions for mitigation and then be left feeling guilty because my concerns hit sensitive parts of his own self-worth. We even tried for four months to get pregnant. I thought it would surely mean we were meant to be together because God wouldn’t give us a child unless we were truly meant to have one. By the time our fourth month of negative pregnancy tests came, I made a life changing realization: It wasn’t that I didn’t want children – It’s that I was scared to have children with him.
I think there are some people who will always hold the stance of “Wow, Riss. That’s fucked up. You didn’t want kids with HIM? He was your husband.” When in reality, why aren’t we stressing the importance of remembering: if there’s one thing in life we should be picky about, it’s who we procreate with? This is where my second guessing around structured religion started to come into existence. It was religion that taught me to hold certain qualities as the highest form of achievement when looking for a marriage partner. It was religion that taught me to be a laundry list of things in order to attract a good husband. It was religion that told me to be subservient to my husband. What religion never did for me – not even once – was empower me to trust my gut, listen to my heart, be authentic, ask questions that challenge the status quo, or guide me towards embracing my individuality. All these things would have saved me (and my ex) from a lot of wasted time, hurt feelings, and lessons learned the hard way.
So, there I was in September of 2024; an ex Christian and now proud Pagan who realized she didn’t want children with the Christian man she married who would leave her again the second she said that fact out loud. I was faced with the Two of Swords daily: I can uphold my vows by staying in this marriage, force myself to have children with this man, and possibly become someone who I know I am not destined to be or I can recognize the fears I had of being alone, be an adult, and make the choice I knew we were both too afraid to make – the choice to leave so we BOTH could find happiness.
It was this dilemma that is the essence of “Letting Go of the Life I Thought I’d Have.” Who the fuck would I be after…IF…I finally faced what I already knew to be true? I’d be starting over completely. I’d have to move and find a new home. I’d have to grieve the loss of that relationship and the comfort in everything I ever hoped for it be. I’d be losing the biggest support system in my life (at that time, my ex was the only person who knew the depths of my multiple decade long journey with Bulimia and recovery.) I’d eventually have to get into the dating game and after watching my best friend go through it for the last three years, I had half a mind to be single for the rest of my life. Not to mention, the financial turbulence of losing half our income. If I had learned anything throughout 2024 during my transition into Paganism, it was that my intuition was NEVER to be doubted and something in me was screaming: get the hell out of that marriage.
On September 27th, I asked him “are you happy?” He said “No. Are you?” I shook my head no and that was it. I said “let’s go be happy.” We were sad, but we understood that the most honorable thing we could do for our marriage was let each other GO. BE. HAPPY. After that conversation, I took my first steps through three years of long overdue acceptance and it sucked. Letting go of all that I held true for the past thirty-two years and watching it crumble at my feet was one of the sharpest pains I’ve ever felt, but the most wonderful thing happened in the midst of all the hurt; I felt relief like I had never experienced in my life. Like decades of cement blocks that I’d become accustomed to finally lifted and my lungs expanded for the first time, taking in a full breath of fresh air whose unfamiliarity hurt, but felt so destined at the same time.
Since then, my life motto has been “two things can be true” and it’s been my saving grace. We can get so caught up feeling permanence in one statement versus the other that we often forget one statement being true doesn’t mean another can’t also be true. I loved my husband AND recognized we weren’t meant to be together. I valued my marriage AND I didn’t want kids with the person I was in it with. I was scared of leaving Christianity AND knew I was being called for something more. I was so scared of facing Divorce AND I knew we had to do this. It’s the phrase that got me through (and still carries me to this day) the biggest changes in my life and embracing it has led me to where I am now – in the midst of the next transformation of becoming who I have always been destined to be.
Divorce is a part of life for many of us. Loss of the life we thought we’d have is more common than anyone realizes. Grieving the person we thought we’d be is as normal as breathing. The only way through these hard changes is by letting go. Now, less than a month away from turning thirty-three, I recognize all my old worst fears are now my reality: I lost my dream job, I’m no longer married to the person I thought was forever, I’m pregnant and adjusting DAILY to the plethora of changes that come with it, AND – I’m in the best relationship I could ever have thought possible with my absolute soul mate. In so many ways, I’m happier now than I have been in the last decade. I have hope, I have support, and I’m excited. With the painful endings that change and loss brought came the most beautiful beginnings that are guiding me down a path of transformation towards the highest version of myself.
If you find yourself (or have ever found yourself) in an even slightly similar situation where the threat of loss feels monumental, remember that your intuition tells you things because your higher self knows truth before our conscious mind does. Our human-ness can cloud clarity and misconstrue reality, but there’s something in our souls that is all knowing. Spending decades in systems or relationships that keep us disconnected from that inner voice means we have to work twice as hard to foster a relationship and develop communication with her. Listen. She’s always been there and she always will be. She will never steer you wrong as long as you trust each other. Her responses may not look like what you hope they will, especially in the beginning of learning her language, but I promise – she is there to protect you and before you know it, your voice will be hers.
