One year ago this month, I was experiencing the most aggressive emotional whiplash I ever thought possible. By the hour, I went back and forth between feeling I needed to finally let my marriage end and the fear that I would be giving up on the one thing in my life I promised was forever. I don’t take the promise within marriage lightly. We made vows for LIFE and that was sacred to me. I panicked when we split the first time in 2022 and begged him to give us another chance to build the marriage I was so certain we could have if we just tried hard enough. I was blind to the blood red flags that surrounded me daily by my certainty that this HAD to be it or we had failed. I’d spend an hour with my therapist every Friday throughout the month of September working through those fears, gaining the confidence to do what I knew needed to be done, and practicing the actual words I would say to my husband that would finally free us from what we BOTH knew was not for us. As soon as he’d walk through the door and I’d see him, hug him, or feel that comfort we had in each other, I’d lose every ounce of progress towards the inevitable.
On September 27th, 2024, I couldn’t take it anymore. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I didn’t fall out of love with my ex because i’ve always believed love isn’t just a feeling, but a conscious, active choice. We chose each other time and time again, working through countless disagreements, challenges, and obstacles (that I now see – were many of those red flags) in order to try and have a marriage where we felt mutually supported, even when we didn’t agree or “feel in love.” We were together eight years in total, Married for almost four. We had almost a decade of effort under our belts and giving all of that up made it feel like the biggest waste of time. In reality, it was anything but a waste of time. I learned so much from this marriage about myself, unconditional love, and compromise. Thanks to this marriage, I am confident as hell in understanding what is and ISN’T unconditional love, how to see through infatuation facades, what I truly need from a partner (as well as a better understanding of how to vocalize those needs) and the value, beauty, and necessity of compromise within ANY relationship. I’m FAR from a fan of my ex at this point in my life due to a plethora of choices, actions, and decisions made during the aftermath of our split. However, I’m SO grateful that I experienced everything within and around my marriage to him because the lessons I’ve learned and the knowledge I’ve gained have shaped me into being ready for what I was certain I’d never have in my life after this divorce.
Once my ex and I had the “ok – we’re actually done this time” conversation and the initial dust began to settle in those following weeks, I spent majority of my days thinking of what came next for me. At the time, love was the FARTHEST thing on my mind. While the circumstances of this divorce let me feel stronger relief than despair, I was still sad to have lost eight years’ worth of partnership. I thought without a doubt that I wouldn’t be “ready” for anything real ANYTIME soon because I felt I had lost so much of myself in trying to keep this marriage alive while also discovering an entirely new me at the same time. I wanted to focus on finding myself – my genuine self without another human added to the mix – and that kept the idea of dating FAR from my mind. My ex came over one day to go over some paperwork for the divorce and I remember him being really mad at me. He admitted that after going out with a friend of his who was also going through a divorce, he was harboring some of the anger his buddy felt towards his own ex-wife and unintentionally was feeling that anger towards me. He said verbatim – “I know I need to pull my head out of my ass because you didn’t do anything wrong. This split was a mutual decision from both of us and I know that.” In lieu of trying to give him a safe space to get some feelings out, I asked “what’s been the hardest part of this split for you so far?” Without a moment’s hesitation, he blurted out “the sex. I’m not having any and it sucks.” In that moment, I empathized because, look I get it, but WOW – like a light switch, I immediately felt nothing for him anymore. No remorse, no regret, no sadness of any kind. That response gave me freedom in realizing how much of his emotions and actions throughout our entire relationship were dictated by physical intimacy. Suddenly, I saw eight years’ worth of truth. I realized I took responsibility for so much of this man’s own personal issues he never unpacked and, in that response, I saw it all for what it was. I knew I could let go now. I knew our separation was genuinely the right choice. All of this made love the LAST thing I wanted anytime soon. Going through all of this again? FUCK. NO.
I finally felt like I was seeing my worth for the first time in almost a decade. I was seeing actions for what they were versus what I wanted them to mean. I stopped making excuses for his actions that hurt me. I was feeling every emotion that came up in its rawest authentic form, processing it, and coping in healthy ways. All my work in rehab, therapy, and self-discovery was paying off in this moment because I felt NOTHING for him and it was so liberating. After that conversation, I was open to the idea of exploring casual intimacy. Being one of the biggest challenges in my marriage, it was a lost part of me I wanted to allow myself to safely find (keyword being safely – physically, emotionally, and mentally.) This is a part of my journey (and countless others’ as well) that I’ve learned is SO fucking normal and yet, still so taboo. People have casual sex. Hook ups are a COMMON thing. While I’ve never personally been a fan of hook ups because I’m far too Demi Romantic (needing some sort of connection with the person I’m physical with) I also hold NO judgement whatsoever because I get it. It’s so easy for me to understand the desire behind hook up culture and it shouldn’t be taboo when so many people out there enjoy this as a part of their own sexual experiences.
I took a lot of pride in being faithful to my marriage and never let myself consider other people in a way that could potentially threaten it so there wasn’t anyone – man or woman – I had eyes for when it ended. It wasn’t until I opened up to one of my best girlfriends one night about all of this and she said “well, I mean have you ever considered your best friend?” My face twisted into a shocked expression and I said “god no. that’s my best friend!” I think there was maybe two seconds of silence before she retorted with “…I mean… do you find him attractive?” I thought about it. “Of course! I’ve always recognized him as an incredibly handsome, good-looking guy.” She kept going. “And you trust him?” Without even thinking I said “oh, with my life. I love that man to death.” Her next question is what changed everything. “You find him attractive. You know and trust him so there’s a form of connection there. It wouldn’t be superficial. So…. Why not?” For the first time in my six years of knowing this man, I thought about our friendship being something more. I DO trust him, of course I think he’s very attractive, we talk about EVERYTHING under the sun in confidence and give each other unconditional support, we know each other like no one else does in this world. Shit. She’s right. He would be someone safe for me to explore this part of myself with. I didn’t spend too much time in that thought though because the idea of bringing that up to him mortified me beyond measure. That was bestie. What if I brought this up and it changed our friendship forever? What if he couldn’t look at me the same again after having to say he wasn’t interested in being that person for me? What if he felt weird and I lost my best friend? There was NO way I was ever going to jeopardize that. NOTHING was worth the friendship I had (have) with this man.
Long story short, it didn’t take long for that conversation to (ironically) organically come up and as he always has, he met me with support, encouragement, and understanding, but it being him changed everything I thought would happen. I have NEVER had a best friend, I mean a TRUE best friend like this man, and more importantly, I’ve NEVER had a best friend turn into anything more beyond a platonic relationship. This is the person who, for the past four years, I’ve found real friendship with where neither of us had ulterior motives. I’ve lost count of how many times he and I talked about our futures together; looking forward to our children being best friends, me being close friends with his wife one day, us having family dinners together, us writing films together and making our families lives so beautiful as best friends. We joked all the time that one day, we’d end up in the same nursing home – cursing each other out and giving the nurses hell because our friendship would only get tighter and more cratchety with time. I “wing manned” for this man so many times! I watched him go through the dating game and was the first to say “go get em, bud!” I celebrated with him when he got into a relationship and we’d gush over cute texts he’d get because I knew how badly he wanted to find THAT girl. I NEVER – not even ONCE – EVER thought he may have hidden feelings for me or that feeling anything more for each was even possible and I know he feels the same way about me. I hate to admit it now, but we used to call each other brother and sister ALL THE TIME for god’s sake.
This friendship has been everything I could ever hope to have in a best friend; effortlessly enjoying comfort, laughter, unconditional love, support through thick and thin, shared passions, being able to call each other out when one of us is being stupid, and genuinely enjoying each other’s company without an ounce of judgement. I NEVER thought my reality would include falling head over heels in love with him.
I remember the night it shifted, too. I’ve visited the Live Oak Pumpkin Patch every year since I was literally a newborn. It’s one of my absolute favorite places to visit and is rich with decades of memories I hold near and dear to my heart. I asked him if he wanted to join me on my annual trip and he enthusiastically said yes. Throughout that night, I caught myself getting butterflies, my cheeks would flush if he smiled at me or held eye contact for more than two seconds, he pulled me in for kisses every so often, and we held hands for maybe twenty feet after our arms brushed against each other towards the end of the night. I felt like a goddamn school girl. My parents even showed up later that night and we rode a little train around the park where he put his arm around me in front of them and I remember thinking “this feels illegal… and GOD it’s good.” After that trip, I went home and lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking “what. The. Hell? This is my BEST FRIEND. I can’t feel like this for him! I JUST got out of a marriage for fuck’s sake! How is this feeling even possible??? What the actual fuck is happening???”
We held an open conversation the entire time in those first few weeks. The agreement was “if one us starts catching feelings or isn’t into this anymore, we voice it. Best friends first.” Around October 28th, we agreed we’d do a little check in once Halloween was over. By November 5th, we realized we BOTH had unexpectedly caught BIG feelings and I panicked. A month ago, I told myself I would NOT get into anything with anyone. I promised I’d just focus on ME, my dreams, my work, my growth, and finding myself in whatever ways felt right. With my unexplored attraction to women being one of the many factors contributing to my divorce, I was scared I’d put my best friend in that same situation down the line. All of this led to me telling him we needed to go back to being just best friends. It broke his heart. It broke mine, too. The next day, I could not for the life of me think of ANYTHING else besides him. I remember fighting the thought that this was unexpectedly everything I had ever wanted out of a relationship. Logic and emotion waged war inside of me and it only took until about 3:00 pm for me to break down in tears realizing I was in way too deep to give up the chance of pursuing this and it possibly being something real.
When my ex and I ended our marriage, I thought I was done; done with love, with relationships, with being someone else’s “someone,” with working for a relationship, with giving up parts of me to be right for someone else. Now, seven and a half months pregnant, engaged while going through divorce, jobless, feeling like a whale, and having lost EVERYTHING that I thought was meant for me, I realize I was only just getting started. I feel more love now than I ever have in my entire life. I feel like my relationship is productive versus trucking along in survival mode. There’s a sense of ease that has come with falling for my best friend that I’m sure many will say is just infatuation, but having learned to see through that from first-hand experience, I can confidently say this is different.
I’ve learned that love doesn’t follow our timelines. It doesn’t obey our boundaries. It doesn’t even take into consideration the plethora of logical reasoning behind what we feel is right or wrong. It shows up when we least expect it, when we least want it, and sometimes – when we feel like it will never be a part of our destiny. It changes who we are, the way we think, the way we feel, and the way we act. It gives us the utmost joy and the rawest pain. Above all though, love is up to us to let in. We can stay jaded and scared based off of past experiences and hurt. We can stay closed off in lieu of what we think we’re ready for, but being open to love when I least expected it has taught me so much about myself. I think every situation is unique and there are nuances to everyone’s journey that will differ from mine, but I will encourage everyone to be open to things not going the way you always thought they would because in those moments, we learn the most. When we are open to the universe giving us what it knows we need and not what we think we need, we give it opportunity to send abundance into our lives. Rigidity is never something that’s helpful. Adaptability though, will pave the path for our best and happiest lives to come to fruition – even if losing everything you thought was right is a part of that path.
