“What do you want to be when you grow up?” We hear this phrase as young as preschool and hear it transform throughout our lives until high school when it’s “What are you GOING to do after you graduate?” I always hated it. You’re telling me I have to decide what I do with the rest of my life at seventeen, most likely go into debt from school loans over that choice and then what, just deal with it if I end up hating that career choice? I was one of those teenagers who had absolutely no fucking clue what she wanted to do with her life after high school. I HATED school. I wanted out so badly, but the threat of “if I don’t pick something, I’ll be left behind” felt so strong. I knew in my heart and soul I wanted to be an actor/ performer, but everyone around me always responded to those dreams with “ok, but like – what do you want to do for a career?” My dreams were always treated like a hobby and weren’t really encouraged as a career choice until I was about twenty-four and had booked work. Hell, I’m sure there’s still people who see my career choice as more of a hobby than an actual career, but for entertainers like myself, we either pursue our hearts calling or we die. There is no in-between.
I’ve tried ALL of my “back-up” jobs/ fields. A week after graduating high school, I went to a trade school to be a dental assistant because healthcare is my family’s line of work. I ended up with almost $20,000 worth of debt, a certification I haven’t used since 2011, and a job at a dental office that I loathed. I tried retail just to get by in 2012 and wanted to pull my hair out daily. I worked with my family in a construction cleaning business off an on from 2013 to about 2015 and dreaded those long, sweaty days of unfulfillment. In 2017, I became a NASM Certified Personal Trainer, got a job at my own gym that I loved, and ended up back in depression and eating disorder relapse within a month of starting. Even the worst of the performing jobs I’ve had were better than any of the “normie” jobs I’ve had. There are plenty of performing gigs out there that are far from glamorous, but even in the midst of 100 degree weather at a theme park where you’re “on” for 8 hours straight with insufferable guests who don’t understand what’s appropriate and not constantly challenging your patience, personal space, and sanity, the mundane monotony of a non performing job is still worse for folks like me.
My first paid performing gig started in 2014 as a Knott’s Scary Farm Scare Actor. From there, I climbed my own personal ladder of success with each passing season. In spring of 2015, I booked another Knott’s gig playing an array of different old west characters doing guest interaction through improv and games. That fall, I booked my first Disney gig as a Padawan for the Jedi Training show in Tomorrowland. In spring of 2016, I booked another Knott’s gig called Ghost Town Alive (that currently holds the top spot for hardest job I’ve ever done) that I’d do on and off for a decade. 2017 gave me my first union role at Disney California Adventure as well as a taste of what theme park work has the potential to be. The pay was great (for my twenty-four-year-old standards) the job was so fun, I got to act, and there was a little bit of action. from there, my love for action acting took flight. In 2018, I booked the Knott’s Stunt Show after going through the Los Angeles Stunt Performer’s Academy. I felt like I was finally doing what I truly loved and that show made me realize how much I wanted to do more of THAT; scripted live shows where there’s an audience/ performer separation. In 2019, I booked my first year of Knott’s Scary Farm’s “The Hanging” and it was, at that point, my performing career peak. After the pandemic, I booked my absolute dream job doing stunts for a new show in Avenger’s Campus at Disney’s California Adventure. That show closed less than a month after I found out I was pregnant. In between all of these live gigs, I got to do some really fun background work on high production shows like Criminal Minds, In the Middle, American Housewife, The Rookie, and a slew of others in addition to starting my own passion project feature film. Point is – since the day I decided I was going to go for my performing dreams, the pursuit and hustle of “what’s next” has been my motivation to keep climbing that ladder. For the first time in my life, I’m not actively climbing and it’s taking its toll.
Every celebratory moment in my life since pursuing my dreams has been because of a new step taken in my career. A new show, a new endeavor, a new pursuit. Always work related. The entertainment industry comes with this hot blooded need to go go go. If you’re not doing, you’re failing. If you’re not networking, applying, auditioning, or moving towards the next thing, you’re stagnant. At least that’s what it feels like pretty much 100% of the time. Pregnancy forced me to sit the fuck down (not to mention the body implications it brought to my career.) I had to stop doing stunts at roughly twelve weeks. Between the growing fetus inside me, the nausea, and the exhaustion, there was no way that even if my show didn’t close, I would have been able to continue doing it for more than a couple weeks beyond its closure date. I kept acting throughout the summer and it was miserable. Being uncomfortable, tired, and frustrated made it a long season. All the same, I’m extremely grateful to the management team of that gig for taking me back on in the state I was in because getting out of the house and having a small paycheck again was a life saver. Regardless, my heart wanted nothing more than to have my full time stunt show back.
Pregnancy has forced me to redefine myself without my career. My plan is to absolutely return to that hustle I’m so familiar with, but I also know there’s going to be challenges I could never prepare for around the corner once little boy is here. I so look forward to the day I can submit to a role again that has action, a script, and a stage. Or the day I can re-ignite my motivation to bring my dream script into reality through a fully funded TV series or feature film. Here’s the thing; there’s nothing saying I can’t do this stuff WHILE pregnant, but I’m not going to bullshit myself by saying I can try to do that and stay sane. I know me. I know my mental health. I know my tendencies. Trying to keep up with the industry at this point in my life would be helping no one and hurting myself, my son, and my fiancé from stress. Somehow, even though I know these facts, something about it feels like failure.
The truth is, I have no fucking clue who I am without my career. I’ve designed my entire identity around being an actor. My choices have all been fueled by goals that directly relate to work. My relationships, hobbies, how I spend days off, what I spend money on, and what I dedicate my time and energy to are all 100% correlations to getting or keeping work. I know a lot of us struggled with the feeling of having taken a step “backwards” when booking work after the Avenger’s show closed. That gig was the most amazing job in the world. Wonderful pay, cool stunts, a five-and-a-half-minute show six times a day with our friends, and watching movies or working on outside projects during the long breaks in between shows. It was Heaven and it would piss me off to no end when people would do or say things that felt ungrateful or entitled. Doing pretty much anything besides a SAG rate film/ TV job doesn’t even come close to comparing to that show now so everything feels like a step back on the ladder of entertainment.
Something I’ve come to embrace during these times is the idea that the “ladder” we climb in other non entertainment industries actually doesn’t apply to our industry. It’s more of a jungle gym. Sometimes, you’re climbing the gym, higher and higher with each step and maybe even getting to the top where we can sit comfortably and look out at the cool sights all around us feeling safe and accomplished with our climb. Then, without warning, you’ll be at the bottom of the gym, hanging on for dear life to the bottom step a breath away from hitting the ground while everyone around you continues their climb to the top. I’ve learned that as long as you’re ON the gym, it means you’re trying and that’s what matters because you can’t climb to the next step if you’re not even on the damn thing. Right now, I feel like I’m sitting on the dirt below the bottom step waiting for injuries to heal before I can get back on the bar, but I know I’m getting back on that bar as soon as I am safe to do so. I’d give ANYTHING to have a chance to be back at Disney four or five days a week performing in an awesome show, inspiring others through my own experiences, and helping lead the way for the world to see how badly we need live entertainment.
In the meantime, I guess I get to find out who I am without all of that. At face value, I guess the role of mother is a no brainer, but beyond the obvious, I’m not sure who I am. I do enjoy being a caretaker. Whenever my Faience is sick or needs something, I find joy in helping care for him. I think I’m still a “mover.” I don’t like holding still. Getting to the gym, going out for doctor’s appointments, or just being out makes me feel way better than being home. I guess these things don’t really feel like pieces of my identity though. I’ve only ever known titles like “actor,” “stunt performer,” or “entertainer” so everything else feels lackluster. Maybe that’s the lesson of this season for me; the titles I give myself don’t always have to be extravagant (although I like those ones way more.) I CAN just be a survivor. I can be a mom. I can be a homemaker. I can be an innovator and someone who strives to inspire. Those are also titles that at the very least, work for now. I guess there’s also something to be said about the fact that I haven’t lost my other titles just because they’re kind of on hold for now. I’m still an actor, I’m still a stunt performer, and I’m still an entertainer. Actively pursuing these things doesn’t equate to being them. Two things can exist: I can be a performer and focusing more on being a mom right now. I’d rather my son grow up knowing duality than the rigidity of only doing or seeing things one way.
Whether you’re an entertainer or a part of a different industry, I think it’s very normal to feel like majority, if not all, of your identity is tied to your work. If you find yourself struggling with the transition into new identifies like I am now, I’ll encourage you (and me) to remember that duality previously mentioned. One thing being true doesn’t erase another truth. We can transform and exist in multiple ways all at once. Don’t let your career define EVERY aspect of who you are because we are so much more than just what we do for work. We’re complex, unique individuals who have so much to offer this world and it’s not fair to lock ourselves in such a small box. Take time to explore who you are beyond what the world see’s you as. Find your depth. Explore your shadows. Embrace whatever comes up and add it to your identity instead of staying confined to what you do for money. I hope you find a moment today to give yourself some extra love through every title you hold in your life.
