I always used to think that by 30, I’d surely know who I was. I imagined I’d be established in my career, been married for a handful of years, probably have a kid or two, and have a good grasp on who I was as an individual regarding my values, morals, what I hold to be true, and how I live my life. Now, two weeks away from turning 33 – I am STILL learning pretty much all of that. Or maybe it’s that I’m re-learning it all because I’ve done nothing but change with each passing year of adulthood. 

My career is on hold, but I have a million questions about the safety of it after pregnancy/ giving birth. Right before I got pregnant, I was at the highest point of making my ultimate dream of being in a western come true. I spent the last three years bringing a story to life that I’ve had on my mind for decades. Instead of waiting to be cast in my dream role, I wrote it, produced a feature length trailer for it as proof of concept, developed a pitch deck, bible, and business plan to make it a feature film with my most recent adaptation being a TV series version to pitch to investors or production companies. Once I found out I was pregnant (on top of losing my full-time job) that pursuit came to painful slow. I was unmotivated, scared, and felt like I couldn’t pursue it because the role I wrote for myself couldn’t be done while pregnant. I’m not throwing in the towel on the project by any means, but it’s been extremely difficult to face the realities of where it is now in September versus where it was in January. The lesson here has been perseverance. My Fiancé is constantly reminding me that this is just a season and that my dreams, career, and ambitions have not been given a death sentence. I think there’s a lot of value in remembering that sometimes, the greatest wins come after the longest journeys. I picture going to the premiere of this project with our son and THAT is way cooler than going alone. He’ll get to be a part of his parents celebrating that win and THAT is so fucking cool to think about. 

Going through divorce while pregnant is something that my younger self would have been heartbroken to find out. Even to this day, I have always preferred to be married before having kids. My divorce was supposed to be finalized in May of this year, but some unfortunate decisions from the opposite party have made this process a merry-go-round of stress, unnecessary expenditures on lawyers, and a lot of grief over not being able to pursue choices I want to prioritize (the most prominent – marrying my current partner and father of my son.) Unexpectedly falling in love with my best friend of four years so quickly after ending my relationship with my ex came with a bright side of already knowing each other inside and out. We knew what we wanted for our futures, what kind of person we were most compatible with, and understood for the first time that we fit the other’s idea of an ideal partner without having to go through years of dating and “getting to know each other.” It was a no brainer that we wanted to be married to each other. Once we found out we were pregnant, that timeline of getting married at some point in the next year or so turned into ASAP because we both have always held marriage before children as a goal. Is it necessary to be married before kids? Of course not. But our preference was to have our son come into the world with married parents. When I realized in May that there was no longer an end date in sight to my divorce, I was livid. I don’t hate people, but BOY – that value has been challenged throughout this process. Even now, I still have no idea as to when this process will be legally finalized. I had to come to terms with letting go of that dream to bring our child into the world alongside my “husband.” It’s silly though; he IS going to be my husband. He’s still the father of my son. Bringing our child into the world TOGETHER is what’s important – not the titles we hold on paper. In trying to find sources of hope during these challenges, my Fiancé and I now get to have our son be at our wedding. How incredibly special is that? Our little boy is going to get to be A PART of his parents wedding that they’ve been so excited for. He gets to see his parents chose each other as best friends, lovers, and partners. In the end, that’s ten times better than getting married in a hurry just to say “ya we were married first THEN had the baby.” None of mine and my Fiancé’s relationship has been traditional so we might as well keep it consistent!  

When it comes to who I am, just in the last five years, I’ve changed religious beliefs, stopped people pleasing, started asking questions about things I blindly believed to be true my whole life, and worked tirelessly to become everything I had ever hoped I would be. I’ve always wanted to be a full-time performer. While at Disney, I was doing that (but as an entertainer, I’ve learned NO gig is forever.) I spent years in therapy breaking down habits, behaviors, and mentalities that were only limiting me, and I started viewing the world a little differently. I have always been the type of person to assume the best in others; that we’re all just doing our best and sometimes, we make mistakes, say things out of emotion, and each of us has our own set of struggles that no one else in the world knows about. I’m quick to forgive and don’t hold grudges by any means. My best friend and Fiancé has – since I’ve known him – been the polar opposite. This man can cut people from his life at the drop of a hat if they break his trust. He does not forgive easily and he tends to default to feeling people usually have ill intent if his intuition gives him even the slightest reason to question someone’s motives. I’ve always accepted every part of him whether we saw eye to eye or not and loved him unconditionally, but I did think at first, that maybe this was going to be one of our biggest challenges as romantic partners. After a handful of situations where I ended up betrayed or hurt by giving someone the benefit of the doubt where he encouraged me not to, I realized maybe I needed to bend a little more and meet him in the middle when it came to trusting others. This was the first big lesson our romantic relationship taught me; what I saw as a difference in opinion between us turned out to be an unknown weakness within myself that I thought was a strength. Now, I dance in the gray when it comes to the trust I give to others, how I react to actions, and the assumptions I hold. As a Pagan, practicing balance in all things is a core value for me and this new mentality, I feel, helps me do exactly that. Living in extremes has never helped me in any way and this is no different. 

The biggest challenge during pregnancy thus far has without a doubt been the way I see myself (sometimes more literally, sometimes metaphorically.) I’m used to existing in a body that doesn’t have a whole lot of limitations. If I want to lift as heavy as I possibly can, I go to the gym and do it. If we want to explore some sexy new bedroom stuff, cool – we do it. If I want to experiment with new pre-workouts, meal prep companies that can help me hit macro or body composition goals, I never have to think about it. Training acrobatics, gymnastics, parkour, or stunts never came with more of a question beyond “I wonder if I can learn this new trick by the end of the day?” Now? Every little thing I do comes with either restrictions, copious amounts of considerations and adjustments before trying it, or just being told “you can’t do that anymore.” I feel like a prisoner sometimes in my body. Not to mention, seeing a body I don’t recognize. She’s softer in pretty much every possible spot, she’s bigger in all my most self-conscious spots, and I know this game will only get harder after this little dude is born. Pretty much all my worst fears have come true. What I HAVE learned through this though, is that in all these fears being my reality, I realize how much of the detriment I had around these fears was made up by me in my own head. The world hasn’t ended like I thought it would. My life isn’t over like I imagined it’d be. Matter of fact, the wheel has just kept on spinning regardless of all this terrifying shit being here and I’m adjusting, coping, and doing my best. 

Pregnancy has taught me a lot more about my resilience. From a scientific point of view, my body is doing some INSANE shit right now. There’s a whole ass human inside of me. Like – a whole separate person made up of all the best parts of me and my very best friend. That’s the coolest. I have twice as much blood in my body than I did pre pregnancy. I feel nauseous often, I feel off balance, and can barely breathe and yet – I still manage to get in the gym and do workouts regardless of how different they look compared to my pre pregnancy routine. That’s a win I tend to forget in the midst of being preoccupied with the thought of “damn… I used to be able to do so much more.” 

Pregnancy has also taught me the value in divine timing. I have always, and still do, believe that what is meant for us can’t be taken from us no matter what. My ex and I actively tried for four months to get pregnant. After four months of trying NOT to get pregnant, my Fiancé and I conceive our son. I look at the timelines of mine and my Fiancé’s romantic lives as well: When we met, I was dating my ex. Bestie got into a relationship shortly after that (one that would turn out to be HORRIBLE for him) and for the first few years of our friendship, we were both in serious relationships. We got super close and started calling each other “best friend” in 2021 where I was married and he was still in his serious relationship. My ex and I filed for divorce the first time in early 2022 and by the time I went crawling back to him (why?) my Fiancé had finally split from his horrible relationship. He stayed single until summer of 2024 and I was married that entire time. There was NEVER a thought, consideration, or even opportunity for us to see each other as more than platonic best friends which is what made this friendship so special. We never questioned motives with each other. We always knew we could count on each other. Hell, I lost count of how many times I “wing-manned” for him. He’s always been the type of man to want a wife. He’d tell me how excited he was whenever a new girl would come along, hoping she could be her. I’d be just as excited for him and just as heartbroken when it’d turn out to be everything but right for him. I constantly encouraged him to keep his head up saying “that girl is out there! When you’re both ready, you’ll find each other, bud.” He got into a relationship with a girl for a few months in summer of 2024 before realizing it wasn’t a good fit. A couple months later after I split with my ex, the foundations for our romantic involvement began and everything fell into place so effortlessly. It was the first time he and I were both single, emotionally available, and READY for something real. Truth is – I loved being married. Having someone to come home to, having a support system, using the word “husband” and feeling so in love with one person was great. It was just doing all that with someone who didn’t see marriage the same way I did and didn’t want any of it with me unless I had his children that made the fairytale feel like a burden. With my best friend, I feel like we’re already married and it’s already so much better than my first experience. I look back at how everything worked out and realize that if anything had been different, the chances of one or both of us not being ready, not being available, or more importantly – not having learned the lessons we needed to learn that made us ready for THIS would be very high. I wouldn’t change the timing, the heartbreak, the frustration, or the current struggles (like the stupid divorce) for anything because this relationship is everything I could have ever hoped to have and more. Divine. Timing. 

I’ve learned a lot about priorities as well. In the past, I cared SO much about what others thought of me. I told my Fiancé I didn’t want anyone knowing about us for months because of my fears around what people would think. I dreaded people finding out. I even had an old friend I thought I could trust with this info respond by saying “are you serious? The ink isn’t even dry yet!” (referring to the divorce from my ex.) I was so pre occupied with the perceptions of others that I forgot how happy I was. I think this taught me how to prioritize how I feel over how others feel. I mean, I cared so much about the opinions of people who I RARELY spoke to, who I would never go to for advice, and people who didn’t know me beyond my social media presence or seeing me in passing at work. Why the fuck do we care about the opinions of people we don’t even care about?! This shifted my perspective and since then, I’ve practiced acting on my own beliefs and desires. Especially with my child on the way, this practice is helping me get ready for the level of prioritization I want for my son and Fiancé. These boys are now my entire life and I want them to always know it. I refuse to let possible gossip and whispers cloud my own perception of what I hold as important. 

I realized something walking into the gym yesterday: I actively don’t give a fuck anymore about eyes on me. I used to get SO self-conscious if I was bloated, had an acne flare up, didn’t feel I looked “presentful” or had anything going on that may attract eyes from the public. Walking anywhere in public pregnant comes with eyes. As soon as I walk into the gym, it’s no different. I’ll keep my sunglasses on just to see if I’m actually feeling what I think I am and sure enough – every single person I pass glances at the belly. I get it – I did the same pre pregnancy! It’s cool to see the miracle of life walk by right in front of you. I don’t assume everyone staring has judgmental thoughts going through their heads, but eyes still feel weird to me even with good intentions. The more pregnant I get, the more I practice walking without hiding or feeling like I should shrink. It’s kind of helping me with my relationship to my body, too. I used to do everything I could to look as skinny as possible. I’d wear the tightest yoga leggings to keep my stomach flat. I’d avoid bending in ways that may make my back roll. I’d keep my core tight at all times so my abs would show. I’d wear shirts that only showed off my most confident parts and hid my insecurities. Now, at almost 30 weeks pregnant, I make choices to actively take up the space I occupy without adjusting. I sit with my legs open to make room for my belly. I don’t do anything to keep my softness hidden. I wear stuff that I feel huge in because I’m comfortable. I’ve embraced the eyes that I know follow me and use it as motivation to possibly encourage others to do the same. Without pregnancy, I’d probably still be making choices to hide. 

I know I’ll continue learning about myself beyond pregnancy. I can only imagine how being a mom will change who I am, what I believe, and how I live my life. I know through the challenges and transformations, I’ll always be able to look back and see how far I’ve come. There are countless wins under my belt already and I still have ten weeks and some change left to explore the possibilities of change before motherhood becomes part of my life. I encourage all of us to stay resilient, proudly take up space, not give a fuck about what others think of us, and live life for US because we are all we have to count on.