DISCLAIMER: Please know this is an open discussion of sex, desire, and libido in hopes of de-stigmatizing these topics. While the goal is to provide a safe place for others who may be experiencing similar challenges, know that if you know me personally, you will encounter some facts that – while natural – you may not care to know.

I write this post coming from a place of experiencing both non-existent libido and raging, passionate, daily desire. As humans, there are a myriad of things that can affect desire for intimacy ranging from external/ environmental factors, mental/ emotional challenges, personal preferences, hygiene, hormones, upbringing, religion, daily demand, health complications, etc. The list would go on for half this page. The past year of my life has been a roller coaster of a ride through desire for physical intimacy and Pregnancy has brought its own slew of surprises – both pleasant and not so pleasant. 

This time last year, my ex and I were just a couple weeks away from finally ending our marriage that neither of us were happy in. At the end of the day, we were simply just not good for each other as spouses. Intimacy was a huge source of that incompatibility. We were living on separate planets regarding sex, closeness, and intimacy in general. I existed at a zero on the sex drive scale of one to ten for pretty much the entire last year of that marriage. I remember thinking I was broken. I thought “maybe I’ve changed? Maybe I’m just growing out of being that young, passionate, horny girl I used to be and now, this is my new normal.” I thought I was a lesbian for several months (long story short – I’ve always identified as Bi-Sexual/ Pansexual, but was convinced I was fully gay because of how incredibly turned off to men I was while with my ex.) I felt like I had really lost myself sexually while with him. I didn’t feel free to just be me and enjoy intimacy so I concluded that I must just not like sex. 

Fast forward to a few weeks into October: my ex and I had split and were back in the trenches of divorce. I realize now that, although we worked so hard to do everything we could before calling it quits, we had mentally checked out of that marriage MONTHS prior to actually ending it. After learning some unfortunate truths about how my ex was handling our split, I found it a lot easier to fully release him from my life and suddenly, I had the urge to find this lost intimate part of me that I had been missing for years. I never expected to find it with my best friend of four years, but – ta dah – the safety, transparency, and natural compatibility between us was the perfect grounds for me to relocate my lost inner vixen. Turns out – not gay after all. Just not with the right person. 

Being with the person who I genuinely had sexual compatibility with was like waking a goddamn beast that had been laying in a coma for ten years only to realize it was starving. Low and behold – it’s no wonder how we got pregnant as quick as we did. I always imagined pregnancy would KILL any sex drive I may have had, but now I see my foundation to base that assumption off of was my relationship with my ex. Being with my Fiancé has left me in constant awe of how much my body, my sex drive, my desire for intimacy, and my attitude around sex in general has changed. 

My first trimester was a little all over. We found out we were pregnant and it was daily go time round the clock. We were excited, felt (still feel) so incredibly in love, and were/ are so attracted to each other that intimacy just got better and more frequent. When the 24/7 nausea hit at week nine, that understandably came to a grinding halt. The second trimester was all smiles and feel-good vibes so it was back to teenager like libido for both of us. Now, in trimester three, were back to a bit of a roller coaster. There’s a lot of factors at play now (hemorrhoids being the absolute biggest, most annoying challenge regarding my own desire.) I’m getting bigger and more uncomfortable. My body image is usually pretty low now that I’m almost forty pounds heavier than I was prior to losing my job/ getting pregnant. The nausea and other stomach issues like unexpected bouts of diarrhea and debilitating indigestion are all at play, too. Needless to say, I have a lot going in inside and out. I’m so grateful at the same time though for the man I’m with because not only is he genuinely attracted to my pregnant body, but he has NEVER been one to push, guilt trip, or let his mood be affected by lack of intimacy. I feel like having a partner who supports every stage of this journey for us is SO incredibly important.

From speaking with other friends who have been pregnant, desire during pregnancy is far from cookie cutter. When I asked one friend how her sex drive was during her first pregnancy, her response was “My husband was a champ. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with a penis the entire time” while another said “nothing’s changed for us. We’re still at it multiple times a week.” Even I dance between “I’m gross, don’t touch me” and “Get over here NOW or I will end you.” Every body, every pregnancy, every relationship is different. We shouldn’t put any expectations on ourselves when it comes to sex during (or after) pregnancy.  Our bodies are going through A LOT and putting unnecessary stress on ourselves isn’t helpful to anyone. 

Some things that have been helpful in maintaining a sex life during pregnancy for my fiancé and I have been:

Disclaimer: There is no evidence that sex/ orgasms pose any harm during un-complicated pregnancies, but if you have any questions or concerns, always ask your doctor what is safe/ right for YOU. 

• Clear communication (and reciprocation) 
• Genuine compliments and reminders – Anytime I’m reminded he finds me attractive/ beautiful, or tells me he’s proud of me, says I’m doing a great job, etc. it really puts me in a mental and emotional space to be vulnerable enough for sex -especially if I wasn’t feeling it prior.
• Connecting and finding intimacy BEFORE the bedroom – Finding moments of closeness that aren’t sexual, staying flirty, laughing together, bonding over our most anticipated things we want to do once baby is here, etc. There’s plenty of stress to go around during pregnancy. Find sources of joy within your relationship, too. 
• Being adaptable IN the bedroom – I’ve never been a pillow princess, that is, until I got pregnant. Not everything that worked before works the same ESPCIALLY as that belly gets bigger. As a team, find what works and what doesn’t. Missionary isn’t ideal once your belly has “popped.” Side lying with a pillow? Heaven. 
• Lube. Lots of it. If you’re one of the unfortunate ones like me who have hemorrhoids prior to birth, this is non-negotiable if you want to keep friction to a minimum. Plus, it just feels better. 
• Showers/ bath time – being relaxed before getting it on makes a world of a difference. I feel so much better when I’m clean. It puts me in a less pre-occupied head space and gives me the chance to let myself get in the mood instead of worrying about something else. 
• Lighting – warm, low lighting will always feel more relaxing than harsh, bright lights. Anything we can do to relax during pregnancy is worth every second. Even if not to be intimate, this stuff is just nice to do for YOU. 
• Embracing your new body – It’s hard to feel sexy sometimes. We’re gaining weight, our nipples look weird, we have stretch marks, we have more physical stuff going on down south, and it’s generally not super sexy to deal with it all. My shining light I cling to is that there IS something insanely sexy about the softness that comes from pregnancy. Find whatever that spark is for YOU and hold on to it. Maybe it’s in some nice lingerie. Maybe it’s in meditation. Maybe it’s letting your partner know you’re feeling a little less sexy so they can reassure you. Don’t be afraid to explore what sexy feels like for this new you. 
• Familiarize yourself with the sensation of contractions – I get sharp cramps EVERY time we have sex. I’ve also experienced Braxton Hicks contractions. They are both very different sensations. If you have ANY sensation during sex that is painful, uncomfortable, or gives you any reason to think something is up, stop, communicate with your partner, and get your doctor’s opinion. 
• Not forcing it – If you’re not up for sex, don’t push yourself! I learned the hard way throughout my last relationship that it only ends in resentment, lower sex drive, and disconnect. Honor your body. 

Desire for intimacy is very much a diverse experience for all of us during pregnancy. Whether you’re feeling more up to it than you were prior, just about the same, or have 100% zero desire to be touched in any way – all are ok. Lean on your support person, be honest with yourself, and remember that this is just a season. If you’re not quite feeling yourself, you will again one day, but it’s not a race to get there. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Take a breath and know that doing your best will look different every day!