As an almost 33-year-old queer woman going through a messy divorce that began in early 2022, navigating first-time pregnancy with the love of my life—who came along completely unexpectedly after four years of platonically calling each other best friend—has been WILD. On top of being an actor and stunt performer in a dying industry (or at least a very, very slow one at the moment) and my dream job ending less than a month after finding out I was pregnant, it’s safe to say that change, fear, and not knowing what the hell comes next have been constant themes in my life lately.
After filing for divorce in January of 2022, I started exploring a lifelong desire to learn about Tarot, Crystals, and the more witchy/ mystic side of spirituality. Growing up in different branches of a mainstream, organized religion kept me scared to be open about these desires, but when you feel like everything you thought your life would be has fallen apart, you get to a point where you say “Eh. Fuck it.” That was the best decision of my life. My journey through my craft, spirituality, and finding what truth looks like for me has led me to feeling more fulfilled and authentic than I ever did in the church. (For the record – if you find yourself here, know there is no gate keeping in this community. Whether you’re a witch, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Agnostic, Pagan, Wiccan, Spiritual, or literally any other label of belief – this is a safe space for you.)
Tarot quickly became my favorite form of communication with Spirit. On February 7th of this year – two days after finding out my full-time dream job as a stunt performer in a show at Disneyland would be closing – I asked Spirit for guidance on what comes next. Out popped the Empress; the symbol of femininity, sensuality, nurturing care, pleasures, and luxury. She is also a sign of – drum roll – pregnancy. I brushed off the reproduction part and focused more on the other traits and took it as a sign to tap into those parts of me to get through whatever came next without my job I loved so much. 7 days later during Lupercalia, my partner and I conceived our son. Seeing the positive pregnancy test on March 12th at 6:00 am before heading to work knowing that the job that paid the bills, gave me life, and brought me so much joy was on a time limit of less than a month while also going through the emotions of excitement, joy, and disbelief that my best friend and I were going to have a baby, made for a roller coaster of a “day at the office.”
There are a million and one things no one tells you about pregnancy. I’m constantly left feeling like “shouldn’t I have been introduced to this stuff in high school sex ED?” Every day, there’s some new, often terrifying thing that happens and when I call my doctor in a panic, she tells me “Yup! Completely normal.” Honestly, people want kids to be smart about sex and pregnancy? Tell them the truth about this stuff. For so many, it’ll be the BEST birth control and for those who dream of being parents one day, it will prepare them for the realities of it all instead of going into a panic induced spiral of the unknown when that little blue plus sign comes through. THAT’S why I wanted this community.
So often, we see the most glamorous sides of pregnancy; beautiful clips of couples seeing a positive pregnancy test, Pinterest boards of maternity aesthetics and baby bump outfits, quick, glanced over compilations of women screaming for their lives in the delivery room followed by a slow-motion video with emotional music behind it of that sweet moment they finally get to hold the little being they spent 9 months growing, and influencers doing “get ready with me” reels as they showcase the glorious and quiet moments of their morning walks with their new, snoozing bundle of joy. And these moments of pregnancy and motherhood ARE beautiful! But I so wish there were more transparent examples out there for us to feel a little more normal when life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows (because let’s be honest – even the picture-perfect influencers are struggling in their own ways. But I get it – when you have a brand and an image, I imagine the prettiest parts of the journey yield better results.)
I’ve always felt called to inspire through transparency and authenticity. I’ve spent much of my life as the outcast and always felt I empathized with the underdog, the quiet ones, the strange and unusual who would rather jump into deep conversation vs small talk and gossip. Tell me about your dreams and aspirations. Let’s talk about the taboo and hold space for those things to feel normal. Let’s challenge the status quo with real experiences and stories of life that incite deeper thoughts where new pathways in the brain are created. With this mentality, Empress After All is my realization of all of those passions with a goal of creating a community – a coven – of people who openly share in experiences that may have left us feeling alone, scared, stuck, helpless, excited, and hopeful all at the same time. I promise to always give you my honesty and empathy and only expect you to do the same for me and the others who find comfort here. While some of the experiences we’ll share here will be negative in nature or emotion, there’s no room for negativity in the form of judgment, attitude, or words against another. I’m a firm believer that toxic positivity isn’t helpful, but being close minded and mean is just as unproductive. Let’s support, comfort, and embrace the phrase “two things can be true” to guide this community away from turning into another harsh internet forum and towards becoming a coven of sisters.
Whether you’re currently pregnant, are a mother already, are struggling to get pregnant, are doing everything you can to avoid pregnancy, are curious about what the realities of pregnancy are, or are just trying to embrace your own inner Empress, I’m so happy you’re here.
With all my love,
Rissy
